It's not about the mashed potatoes.

Forcing anyone to like anything doesn't get us very far, so let's stop pretending that it works.

How many times have you heard this phrase in some way or another: “If you want to like sex more, you have to do it more often.”

There’s this idea that to increase desire, we need to go after the thing we’re supposed to desire. But does that actually work… ever?

Let’s consider mashed potatoes for a second.

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Let’s say you’re kinda “meh” about mashed potatoes. You might like them if they’re paired with the right food, but by themselves, you’re not really a fan.

(Apologies to the mashed potato enthusiasts out there who can’t fathom this concept!)

What if I said to you, “You really should like mashed potatoes more. I’m going to put them on the menu 3 times this week, so you can learn to like them more.”

But one night they’re paired with soup. On Thursday, they get served next to spaghetti. You eat them to humor me, but they’re gross. The textures don’t jive and it actually moves you from “meh” to “ewww”.

But then, on Saturday, we have mashed potatoes with steak and asparagus, and a delicious gravy to top it all off.

Now, you may be able to appreciate the creamy mash together with the other savory flavors and textures of this meal. You may feel a new flicker of enjoyment for pulverized potatoes.

But even then, you’re bound to be fighting the feeling of how grossed out you were eating them in weird contexts earlier this week.

Imagine we’ve just finished that steak dinner and I look at you expectantly, saying, “See? Wasn’t that delicious? Aren’t mashed potatoes amazing? We should have them every night!!”

Uhhh…

Here’s just a smattering of ways you might feel like responding…

• “Yes, I did like them with this specific meal.”

• “Are you kidding? I couldn’t even enjoy them tonight with you breathing down my neck, waiting for me to tell you how much I love them.”

• “I liked them today, but this doesn’t mean I like them any more than I did last week. I might even like them less.”

• “I definitely do NOT like mashed potatoes most of the ways we’ve been eating them, so I really don’t want to have them more often.”

It’s not about the mashed potatoes, it’s about the context of how they’re served and what they’re paired with.

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Let’s swap “mashed potatoes” with intercourse. Or oral sex. Or french kissing. Or whatever it is that you think you’re “supposed to like” but just… don’t… all that much.

When we tell people who aren’t *that* into sex to “just do it more”, it does NOT bring connection, pleasure and unity. It does the exact opposite.

In doing » that thing you feel meh about « over and over again, you will likely stack up negative memories and make it even harder to trust what your body is trying to tell you about your internal experience.

And this is why so many books about sex are a “meh” for me.

So many resources out there are geared toward helping you like a certain sexual act more (usually intercourse, but sometimes other activities as well… I’m looking at you, “She Comes First”…) so that your frequency increases and your partner, who really wants to do that thing more, is satisfied.

But what if it’s not about the act itself? What if it’s actually something much deeper?

…What if it’s about getting to know our body’s voice?

…What if it’s about asking why sex is even important to us?

…What if it’s about discovering how sex fits into your unique relationship, in a way that brings pleasure and connection for both of you?

If that’s the case, these books are tackling the topic of sexuality from the wrong angle. And when we ingest resources like that, it’s easy to feel broken, inadequate, and hopeless.

It’s time to address the thing UNDERNEATH our desire.

We can’t want something we don’t enjoy, and we certainly can’t want that thing if it doesn’t matter to us.

“Like, why is everyone so obsessed with mashed potatoes anyway? They aren’t the main course, and there are plenty of other sides that can go well with steak.”

*Ahem* intercourse isn’t meant to be the main course either *ahem*.

(But that’s a topic for another day).

It’s time to accept how you really feel about mashed potatoes. And intercourse. And not apologize for either.

If you want to read a book that will truly allow you to feel how you really feel, check out this one. And this. And for those coming out of purity culture, read this one.

Take a deep breath. No matter how you feel about “mashed potatoes” right now is completely okay. You don’t HAVE to like it. You don’t HAVE to want it. You don’t HAVE to experience it to have the fullest life possible (even if your spouse feels otherwise).

What you do need is to feel safely connected to the person you’re sharing your life with.

And if that means mashed potatoes are completely out of the rotation for a good long while, there’s nothing wrong with that. You and your partner are gonna be okay.

(And if you’re not, it’s really not about the mashed potatoes).

If you’re currently engaging in an activity you don’t actually like, it’s time to talk about it. If you need to, talk about mashed potatoes. Sometimes, sex is easier to talk about when we use food analogies (we know this from experience!)

You can do this! It’s time to make a meal plan that truly nourishes you.