It's time to get rid of our high school pants.
It's time to get rid of our high school pants.
Why most sex books are basically irrelevant to long-term relationships.
There’s a unique shame that comes with holding onto clothes of years gone by.
And I’m not talking about that embarrassing bubble shirt of the early 2000s.
Not that I had one of those or anything…
No, I’m talking about those pieces of clothing we hold onto because we long for the body we had that fit them.
How many of us grew up with moms who had “goal pants” or dresses they’d “eventually fit into”? Do you have those pieces lingering in your closet?
It’s one thing to have goals. It’s another to live in constant shame that your body doesn’t live up to your past expectations.
How many times have you held up a piece of clothing and sighed longingly, thinking “If I only…” (fill in the blank with “eat better”, “actually use those weights in the garage” or just “get outside more often”) “…I could finally fit into these pants again…”?
Friend, it is time to give those pants away.
Because what are those pants doing for you?
“Nothing.” you say. “I can’t even wear them.”
False - those pants are telling you that you don’t measure up. Every time your eyes pass over them as you reach for clothes that fit your body now, they are a reminder that you aren’t who you once were, and that who you are now is lesser than.
Life is too hard to live with that crap.
It’s time to America-Ferrera-monologue yourself and break out of the illusion. You ARE enough, and who you are RIGHT NOW is exactly who you need to be.
Regardless of pant size.
Okay, here’s the part where we transition to sex.
Like the pants that stare at you accusingly in the closet, most sex books look down upon long-term relationships with judgmental pity.
They push the narrative that having sex with the same person over a long period of time is bound to be boring, and therefore needs to feel younger, hotter, fitter, and more attractive to be successful.
They tell us that “spicing things up” is the answer to surviving long-term relationships.
They get us focused on the past, like “if only they had the body they used to” and “if only we were as obsessed with each other as before we were married” and “if only our lives weren’t so full of kids and work and stress” (aka: “if only I was 2 sizes smaller…”)
They convince us to try things we don’t like, and look down on things like vanilla sex and monogamy (side note: vanilla sex doesn’t make or break a relationship, just like kink and non-monogamy don’t either).
It’s time to throw out those pants.
Because the fact is, these tips and tricks are focused on reviving and elevating a younger, less mature, early relationship sexual energy that just doesn’t fit your relationship anymore.
Most mainstream sex advice seems to cater to new relationships, or those who want to recreate the newness of a relationship.
You don’t need that kind of pressure. You aren’t in a new relationship anymore.
You ARE in a relationship with experience.
You ARE in a relationship that has endured the pain, grief and stress of life.
You ARE in a relationship that has gone through seasons, and will go through more.
But… isn’t that what we all want when we sign up for a long-term relationship?
We decide we want to go through those seasons together. Yes, even the ones of “sickness” and “poor”. Some of us take vows for that.
So… why are we expecting our sex lives to magically not go through seasons and somehow transport back to the beginning?
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to return to my younger self. I have so much more wisdom and kindness to offer now than I did at the beginning of my relationship.
And if I want to grow in my sex life, I want my experience and longevity to be honored and celebrated, not shamed and laughed at.
Your relationship and your experience is way too precious to throw out for the sake of performing up to some cultural standard.
Because here’s the problem - even if we do try something new and push past our fear and actually feel those fluttery excited feelings for a bit, they don’t last.
Our lives are short, but they’re long enough for novelty to eventually fade.
We need something to sustain us long past “new relationship energy”.
We need advice that actually caters to lasting relationships.
So if you’ve felt frustrated or discouraged, like us over here at The Not Tonight Project, know that we’ve done - and are continuing to do - the leg work to find resources that support long-lasting relationships without the shame or pressure.
Yes, they’re actually out there. And we’re going to share them with you.
We’re also going to talk about the shamey ones, and how to spot them.
So if you want to do the work in your sex life, or even if you just feel like it’s important, we hope you stick around. We’re going to keep talking about this, until the culture shifts (which will take a while, so buckle up).
Are you ready for advice and support that elevates who you are and where your relationship is actually at?
Great! Stay tuned!
And in the mean time, order this book. You’ll thank me later.